My Goals for 2020!!

Me with my books last year. <3

I know, it's May. I usually do this post WAY earlier in the year, but well, as we know, this year is...a little different. However, I am still setting goals for myself. I like having goals, something to be working towards. I set some big goals for myself at the start of each year. No more than ten. Right now, I have eight of them. So I thought that I would share them with you. Let me know any goals you have for 2020 in the comments. <3 Stay strong. <3 

Goals for 2020:

1. Read twenty books.
2. Read Anna Karenina.
3. Publish Forbidden (a Beauty of the Dark story) (Kaleib and Melinda's story).
4. Crochet a scarf.
5. Publish cookbook with mom.
6. Publish coffee table photography book with Aunt Sue.
7. First round of content edits on Dark Book (Historical Romantic Suspense.)
8. Knit a scarf.


I make no more than ten big goals for the year (with lots of smaller ones during the year), but I'm not sure what the last two will be yet, so I left it open. I'll see what else comes up throughout the year, if anything. Also, for me, the ten goals I make for the year are sort of more like projects. They are things that I have control over (mostly). I do the steps for these things. It isn't something that has a lot of variables and even algorithms and the like. Such as making the USA Today Bestseller List. Which, yes, is something I want to do but there are a lot of things that go into it that I don't necessarily have control over. So that goes on a different list. ;)

For me, a lot of these have to do with writing and publishing, because this is what I love and what I put a lot of my focus on. It's my favorite thing, really. And reading is a huge part of my life so that takes up some space. I actually read over forty books last year but I cut that number in half so I'm not focusing on the number of books. There are a couple of longer books I want to read, so I don't want to be worrying about the number of books. For example, Anna Karenina. Definitely a longer book. And yes, I am kind of intimidated to read it. But I have wanted to for a while, so I put it in that list of goals. This year, I took up crocheting and knitting. It's calming, it exercises the muscles in my hands (which is something I really need with Cystinosis.) And a lot of practice is in order, which is why those two goals are on there for 2020. Hopefully, by the end of this year, I'll have both a handmade crocheted and hand knitted scarf. Then there are those two left open. Let's see what ends up there!!

Tell me below, what are a few goals you'd like to achieve in 2020?

Ramblings During This Global Pandemic

"These are mad times we live in! Mad!"

Any Harry Potter fans in here? There must be. Who can name who said this? Should I tell you or make you comment the answer? hahaha. Either way, this little bit of dialogue keeps running through my head lately. Usually multiple times a day. As well as a few other bits from Harry Potter (I'm a huge Harry Potter geek, you should know that by now. And just a geek in general, too. A damn proud one!! lol )

"This is mental."
"Completely mental."
"The world's mental."

"The whole world's gone topsy-turvy."

(Ten points to Gryffindor if you can name who said all of those. I'm a Gryffindor, so that's why I used that house.)

The bits of dialogue that are running through my head on a regular basis. As well as certain similarities to certain films, that maybe I won't go into here, and leave that for my cousin and I to talk about.

I have anxiety on a daily basis, so when this all started to blow up, so to speak, I expected myself to be far more panicked than I was, or than I currently am. I think I'm handling this ridiculously well considering my penchant for anxiety on a "normal" day. There was a great post on Instagram about this. How people with anxiety are handling things, and watching other people act the way we feel on a daily basis. Which is a scary thought, because as my cousin and I discussed, any decision made from a place of fear, isn't going to do any good to anyone.

The virus of course scares me, especially since I'm in the immuno-suppressed group and therefore more susceptible to it but I think mass panic scares me more than that. Because, again, decisions made from fear don't help anyone. And mass hysteria can spread fast, and quite possibly spread far more damage than the virus itself...?

Something else that scares me, and pisses me off, are the people who don't seem to be taking this seriously. Still. Even though it is literally a global pandemic. I know not everyone can stay home. There are essential workers that keep society going, and are integral at the best of times, but especially at a time like this. Doctors, nurses, Postal workers, plumbers, police officers, janitors, grocery and food workers, etc. So if you can stay home, then do it. If you can and you aren't, I'm sorry, but you are part of the problem not the solution. And if you can't, then be sure to exercise all of the precautions we are being told to. Even if it may not be serious for you if you caught the virus, it could be for someone else. You could give it to someone who may not make it out to the other side of this crisis. So please be mindful of that, and do what you can. If you can stay home, then do. Especially because there ARE people who can't. (And these people should take all of the other precautions).(And this doesn't just mean doctors, nurses, etc. Because there are other circumstances, as well.)  But if you can, then PLEASE DO. (There are still other things to discuss about al of this but today this is what I'm talking about. <3 )

And remember, if you are reading this right now, that means you have access to technology where you can connect with your friends and family still. I'm not saying this is easy. It IS hard, but the more people go against what these precautions are (or don't stay at home when they can), the longer this is going to last. As I said, if you're reading this, then you have access to amazing ways to connect to people you love, even in the midst of this trying time. So hold on a little longer, we can get through this.

Dr. Seuss Inspired Poem on Facebook

Anxiety Post on Instagram

What is My Morning Routine?

I've talked about morning routines on here, and on my social media, before. However, I'm not sure I've actually laid out what that is. Also, I'm trying to get used to calling it my morning ritual because I like the sound of that better. Before I run through it, though, I want to make two disclaimers.

1. I don't actually do this ever day. I try to but I don't always. And sometimes it's a shorter version of this or only a few of these things.
2. It's not for the same amount of time or in the same order every time I do this. Sometimes I leave a couple things out. It depends on that day. What's going on and how I'm feeling. 

So, here we go:

My Morning Ritual:

• After being up and doing regular morning things, the first thing I try to do is put away any medicine stuff from the night before. Then, I make my bed. Sometimes I make my bed around Sawyer (my cat.)
• If I haven't set things up last night, I set up my coffee. Or sometimes it's tea. Or once in a while it's hot chocolate. I fill my water cup for the day. Take a sip of some sort of juice. 
• I queue up a meditation for the day. Again, this depends on how I feel. I do this in my little corner on my purple bench. On the shelf next to me I have some crystals, a Himalayan pink salt lamp, bamboo, a candle. I have a book or magazine with me, and my journal. 
• The first thing I do is meditate. After that, I read a little. Sometimes I decide to read five pages or read for five minutes. It varies. After that, I write in my journal. This can very from half a page to three pages. Again, it depends on the day. 
• Something I started to a while ago was pick three words for the day. For example: Calm. Gratitude. Creative. Depending on how I want to feel. I try but I don't do this every day. I got this idea from Samantha Hearne on Instagram.
• The last thing I do in my journal is write a few affirmations. Or maybe only one.
• I've been trying to do a lesson with DuoLingo every day. I'm learning Italian. I am Italian so I thought it was time. 
• Then, I put on my workout clothes and do some exercise Usually some cardio.
• I end this all with some yoga. I don't do the exercise and yoga every single day, but I am most likely to do yoga even when I don't do other exercise.  

That is my morning ritual!! Like I said, I don't do all of this every day.  I try to do 2-3 of these things most days, though. And most likely those will be journal, read, and yoga. I think I've found that those are my top three things. Which took a while to figure out. (Well, I've been journaling for years, but that's a different story.)

Tell me below if you have a morning ritual. Do you feel comfortable sharing yours? Do you want to have one? What are your top three things? Or what would you want them to be? Let me know in the comments!!

Do You Meditate?

 

Do you meditate? 

For the past couple years I dabbled with it but was pretty inconsistent. This year I think I've been far more consistent. I have a lot of anxiety issues and I do think that meditating (along with other things) is helping. But I admit that even to this day (after months of being consistent - not every day but often) I still struggle with it a little bit. What exactly do I struggle with? 

Well, the first thing would be keeping my eyes closed during the meditation. It's hard for me not to think about the fact that I can't see what's going on around me at that moment. Which is why I sort of do that soft focus technique. Pick one spot to focus on but have a soft focus. However, I've found that I'm getting a lot better at keeping my eyes closed during a mediation. I can now keep my eyes closed for an entire five minute mediation (most of the time) which is a pretty big deal for me. I did a seventeen minute meditation a few weeks ago and only opened my eyes two or three times, which is a very big deal for me.

The second thing is going over things over and over in my head. I don't want to say thoughts coming into my head because that's just going to happen. Which is something that I had to learn. Completely wiping your mind of all thought is exceedingly difficult. Maybe it is possible, I don't know, but let's be honest, it doesn't seem that likely. So this happens. The issues is when I latch onto a thought and just keep repeating it over and over in my mind. Turning it over and worrying about it, instead of just letting it go by. 

Despite this, I still feel that meditation is helping with my anxiety. (As I said, along with other things.) I'm curious, do you meditate? What challenges do you find with it? What other ways do you manage anxiety?

Being Super Honest About My Day Today

Today is Friday, September 20th. And I am exhausted. It's easy to think from everything online that everyone gets up at 5:00 a.m. and has an amazing morning routine and is on top of everything all day. But that's crap. I don't think anyone is ever "perfect" all the time.

I don't actually like saying what time I get up because our society often judges people by what time they get up for the day. Without even knowing the story behind why. I have cystinosis, which leads to many secondary conditions and symptoms, although it effects us all differently. I have chronic fatigue, insomnia, chronic nausea, chronic dehydration, persistent vomiting, headaches. I get up to use the bathroom probably 5-6 times per night. I have to get up to take medication three times through the night. I'm also hooked up to a Kangaroo feeding pump during the night. (I have a G-Tube in my stomach and get hooked up through that.) Which is very uncomfortable and is not conducive to a good night's sleep, on top of everything else. Plus, I have anxiety and OCD and often, if you have these, you wake up more tired than you went to sleep. Not to be a downer, but my sleep has been screwed six ways from Sunday for my entire life.

Kangaroo Pump - image from Google

So, what's the point of this? To explain why I get up between 10:00 and 10:30 in the morning, usually. Part of it yes, is that I feel like I need to explain it. But it's also because I feel like people should know because people tend to make snap judgments without knowing someone's story and situation.

I also have very weird sleep patterns, which you may have already picked up on. Usually by about 8:30-9:00 in the morning I can finally unhook from feeding pump. It's my "I'm free!!" moment. And my only good sleep is during that hour and a half to two hours that I'm hooked up to my feeding pump. I freaking live for those two hours of that sleep. Anyway, today I was up from 8:20-11:30 in the morning and then I fell back to sleep until almost 1:00. Then I was dragging for quite a while. It took me a while to get dressed and ready and make my bed (it always makes me feel more put together.) Then it was 3:00 and I had to eat. I was eating by 3:30, done by a little before 4:00 and came into my office to write this blog post. After this, I'm going to go live on Instagram for a little bit to talk about Begin Again. After that, I''m most likely going to sit on my couch. I might do some work, I might not. We'll see what happens. Because I am STILL so tired. I'm almost done with Begin Again and will work on it this weekend but today has just been a day my body needed me to take it easy.

I suppose this is a little insight into my day working from home with a chronic illness. You can still do the things you want, you just may have to modify the "usual" path and may not get there as quickly. Doesn't mean that you can't do it. What's that saying? "You can do it all, but you can't do it all at once."? Did any of this resonate with you? Do you have a chronic illness that effects your day to day life?

When Things Fall to the Wayside

Hello again!!

I wanted to do a quick blog post about this topic. When things fall to the wayside. It happens to all of us. I know that I should post on social media and my blog, but it's something that definitely falls to the wayside. Why? It's not that it isn't important to me. The reason that it is important to me is that it allows me to connect with readers. Honestly, I am not a huge social media person. And the main priority for me is the books. That's my passion, my purpose, and what I want to use to connect to/with my readers.

Right now, I am trying to get my Women's Fiction novella, Begin Again, ready for publication in October. So it's my main focus. Other things are falling off. As much as I still struggle to talk about this, with the many medical conditions I have...well, to be blunt, I get f*&%ing tired and lethargic. I have to keep my priorities in mind. (Ron Weasley: "She needs to sort out her priorities." 😆)  And honestly, the social media is on the lower end of those. I try to stick to some semblance of a schedule, and I'm happy that I've gotten back to blogging, but sometimes something just has to give. Especially when I am deep in the writing, editing, or publishing trenches. When I'm there, I put a good amount of my energy there because well, that's one of my top priorities!! I also just have to take time to recharge. Creatively, as well. That's a different blog post. 😉

SO, when you don't see me about a lot, this is probably why. I'm deep in the trenches working on bringing you another book. I know we all want to strive for balance, but let's be honest, sometimes things just have to fall to the wayside. Sometimes (often...) we're not as "balanced" as we want to be or think we are. When you're focusing hard on a project (or even if you're not: if you need a recharge, or just in general) what is the first thing to fall to the wayside for you? Do you believe we can ever be perfectly balanced? Let me know in the comments! I want to hear your thoughts! ↡

Talking About My Journey with Anxiety and OCD

I'm not good at sharing. I'm starting with that sentence so if this doesn't seem like I'm sharing much you know why. It doesn't come naturally to me. I tend to keep things close to the vest. Here's an example. When I'm in the hospital the only reason my friends and extended family find out is if my mom tells them. I might not even mention it after it happens. So they may never know if it weren't for someone else telling them. That's just the way I am. So to share is not a natural thing for me. Maybe this has to do with my social anxiety, I don't know. Anyway, I know that we as a society have such a hurtful stigma against mental illness. Just the term often brings about feelings of shame. I want to change that. I can't do it single handedly but I can be a part of it, I can help. And I think that helping starts with sharing my story. Even if it's just some of it. You have to start somewhere, right?

I know it looks like I'm choking my cat here, I'm not. hahaha. Just hugging him and having him protest. He actually lets me hug and cuddle and kiss him quite a bit and does the same to me quite often. What does this have to do with anything? Well, Sawyer (my cat) is something that helps me immensely. Just petting him and cuddling with him calms me down. Oh, how I love this little guy. <3

So, my mom says she noticed signs of my anxiety and OCD (which is technically an anxiety disorder) from the time I was quite young. I don't really remember doing anything compulsive when I was younger, but that may just be because it was normal to me.

Wait. Before we go on, let me put the definition of OCD right here:

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), and behaviors that drive them to do something over and over (compulsions).

Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts. But this only provides short-term relief. Not doing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety and distress."

This definition is taken from MedlinePlus. I include it because too many people believe that OCD only encompasses wanting things neat, orderly, tidy, et cetera. Like when you see someone line up their pencils in a perfect row. I'm not saying that isn't part of it I just want it to be clear that it is much different than what society tends to portray it as. A well known example would be someone who has to repeatedly wash their hands. For no apparent reason, they just keep washing. There are infinite numbers of compulsions, though. Counting is a popular one. And it's one that I share to a degree. Which I find sort of ironic because I hate math. (Just trying to diffuse a little humor...) My number of choice is 4. I count things in rounds of 4. Once I get to 4, I start again. I sometimes count my steps.

I prefer even numbers to odd. I find it hard to do anything in odd numbers. To give an example. the volume on the television. It has to be on an even number. If it starts on 26 I can't go up to 27, I have to turn it up to 28. Now, to throw a wrench in what I just said, there are exceptions to this even number rule of mine. One is if someone else puts the volume on an odd number. Then I don't have to change it because it wasn't me who did it. Something else, though. Well, it's hard to explain. There are certain odd numbers I'm okay with, but there are very specific reasons for it. The number 7, for example. I'm okay with that number. Why? Well, in history 7 is meant to be a powerful magical number. There are also 7 Harry Potter books. So, I'm okay with that one. There are others, too.

I'm not being neat and orderly isn't part of it for me. I do often have to straighten things out that are uneven. Like pencils. I fix the books on the shelves in Barnes and Noble. And I can't even tell you how many times I've said my room is messy and anyone there strongly disagrees and says it looks neater than their room ever has.

Trying to explain your compulsions to people, oh boy, is that a nightmare. Many people (including me) often try to hide these things, but sometimes it's just not possible because you HAVE to do it. You HAVE to. Why? Because if you don't, whatever the obsessive thought is will then happen. Does that make sense? No. And I'm well aware of that. But it's almost like two separate parts of my brain. Two separate voices. Two little beings on my shoulder. One telling me I don't have to and one telling me I need to, or else that thing will happen. The second voice tends to win out. What causes OCD? There's the kicker. We don't know yet. Here's another snippet from MedlinePlus.

"Health care providers do not know the exact cause of OCD. Factors that may play a role include head injury, infections, and abnormal function in certain areas of the brain. Genes (family history) seems to play a strong role."

It's often infuriating. I think some people may be able to do the compulsion a certain number of times and then go on. With me, yes, a number comes into play but I have to do it right. If I don't, I need to repeat the compulsion over and over until I do get it right. What's worse? Usually, I'm not even sure what right means. Something in my brain just clicks to tell me that I got it right and then I can move on with my day. I have spent fairly significant amounts of time trying to get it right. As I said, infuriating. And to try to explain it...might be more infuriating because it's so hard to explain. But the jury is out on that.

That brings us to anxiety. General and Social Anxiety. The first panic attack I remember having I was seventeen. We were going to Florida. I was on an airplane. I'm terrified of flying. I started having a panic attack because it wasn't as if I could get off that plane, and I was stuck doing something that terrified me to the bone. Even just writing that brings up some of that panic in me.

Things went pretty well for a while. What's interesting is, looking back, it's quite possible I had smaller anxiety attacks in the years between this one and my next big one.

This panic attack took place in college. I was twenty-one, sitting in the library with a few friends. I'm not sure to this day what brought it on. I know that my friend brought me home. I thought maybe it was because of the people around but I'd been in the library countless times.

I also remember sitting in my Poetry class after having been in the hospital and starting to feel a panic attack come on. Shortness of breath, light headed, this feeling in my chest...it's so hard to describe, so hard to do justice to it. I got up and nearly ran outside to get fresh air. Mind you, it was February. I had on a sweatshirt but I had a coat, too because it was freezing. I didn't bring my coat with me, I needed that cold air hitting my skin.

In one of my Literature classes, I felt the symptoms come on once more. I got out of class as quickly as I could and locked myself in a bathroom stall to ride it out. I think I threw up that time, as well.

Another time, I didn't catch the symptoms in enough time to get away and ride it out. I'd just come back from the ladies room, I thought everything was fine. I sat down in my Spanish class and it came on quite suddenly this time. My Spanish professor noticed and came over to my desk. She picked up my things and told me to come with her to her office. I sat there with her and she actually told me to call someone to take me home, that was how bad it was.

Social Anxiety. This is something I remember having for well, as long as I can remember. I didn't call it social anxiety I just remember always being nervous around people. I most definitely still am and would usually prefer to be alone. Or just with a small group. Again, just thinking about this makes me a little nervous. Honestly, there are very few people I've never been nervous around. Even the people I love.

I think my General Anxiety and OCD have gotten a bit better. What's difficult is trying to pin point why, what did it. I think routine is a part of it, at least for my anxiety. A lot of the time, my anxiety would stem from being literally paralyzed by not knowing what to do first. To the point that I just did none of it. This did not work so well for me. With a routine, I know what to do when. Maybe it sounds restrictive but it's really not. It's not a down to the minute plan every minute detail routine. It gives me enough structure to know when I'm doing my morning ritual, when I'm setting up medicine for the night, when I'm working on content or when I'm writing or editing, when I'm off of work for the day. And it's not rigid, I honestly believe it's more about the order of the things.

My mindset is another thing. And I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes. I get it. I don't think mindset can cure anxiety disorders like some people do but I DO believe that it can help. Having a morning ritual with some meditation (by the way, it's only 2-5 minutes), reading and journaling has honestly done wonders. I also do yoga nearly every day now. I try to workout every day, too (and have been pretty consistent) but yoga is something I've grown to love. It's sort of another form of meditation. And carving out more time for writing my books is helping a lot. That's something I've quite recently started. I decided I was too focused on the media and not the writing. So I decided to change that and it's helped a lot. I mean, the writing is what I love to do. It's what I'm here to do.

Gratitude. Thinking about all the wonderful things and people I already have in my life. All the experiences. The books I've written, people I've met. The fact that I'm still here even though my doctors gave me until age sixteen when I was diagnosed with Nephropathic Cystinosis. I feel immensely grateful and I realize how amazing life is.

Trying to go easy on myself when I have a bad day. Sometimes it's going to happen. It'll be a struggle to get one thing done. Or even to get dressed. I'm making a more conscious effort not to beat myself up about it.

Music helps quite a lot. It's hard to be anxious belting out a song. Or if I am anxious (or irritable, etc.) by the middle of the song I'm usually fine. Reading, books, stories. Any type of storytelling helps. It always has. I'm quite attached to many fictional characters, as you know, but did you know those characters ease my anxiety and even my OCD at times?

I think over the past five years my anxiety and OCD has gradually gotten better. And in the last year I've seen myself make huge progress. It will never go away, and that is okay. It's a day to day thing. And I'm proud of how far I've come.

If you want to talk you can send me a message on Facebook, Instagram or through email. But remember, I am not a mental health professional. If you need to reach out to someone (and it is totally OKAY if you do) please look for someone in your area. Or, if you'd rather check into online counseling, BetterHealth is one site you could check out.

Here's a link to a free anthology where people write letters to their mental illnesses. It's a powerful book and it shows that you are not alone. Far from it.